There are these days where you think you didn’t got nothing done. I just wrote some (business) emails, applied for a working project, did half a penetration test and cobbled together a linux bi-amping setup with a digital crossover which works out really nice. And I finally understood what a 4th order Linkwitz-Riley filter is and why I like it. Ah, and I made some nice charts about it. Last but not least I worked another couple of hours on the van.
So today I learned something new, earned some money, did stuff from my ToDo list and produced something which I will enjoy almost every day for the next months/years (decent sound on my desk). Why do I feel bad again? There’s really no reason. I guess it’s not about the stuff I did but about the ToDo pile I didn’t finish off. I think I gotta get used to the reality that there’s always stuff to be done…
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain"
-- Bene Gesserit "Litany Against Fear"
Lately I’m quite often confronted with fear. Not my own fears as well as the ones of friends and loved ones. People seem to fear good stuff because of bad stuff which happened to them. For example former relationships: They are forgetting all the good stuff because of all the bad stuff that happened. Instead of realizing that they own their feelings and are responsible for most of the shit they went through they blame the whole relationship business. This fear often leads to pushing away/dumping folks because they are coming too close or the relationship to them is becoming too intense. I’ve been pushed away for that exact reason for some times and lately got the lucky chance to talk about it with a good friend who has been dumping good guys for that reason for years. I guess I understand the mechanism quite well and that really helps to not holding a grudge for people running away from me. I now understand that it’s no use to put any expectations in people who are running away. I try to make myself understood to rule out any misunderstandings as good as possible and then let them run as far as they like. Surely I hope that they will come back eventually but I learned that chasing after them or putting any hopes in their return is just a waste of time and energy. I really like brave folks who admit and face their fears and work on them because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. I’m sick of running. It doesn’t matter if you’re running away from something or to some distant goal. Most of the time it’s just exhausting and brings you nowhere. So I changed my tactics: I stand my ground. That doesn’t mean that I’ll stay in Hannover but it surely means I won’t leave unfinished business or run away from awkward situations.
I forgot the mentioned quote quite some time ago and was quite amazed hearing it by coincidence today. In the last year and a half I had to face some of my biggest fears. There was no place to run to so I faced them. It seems I really changed. I like what remained. If that’s the new me, I’m fine with it.
“I’ve found from past experiences that the tighter your plan,
the more likely you are to run into something unpredictable.”
Yeah, I know I already used the MacGyver Quote. But this time it’s even more fitting. Last weekend I was in Hildesheim and the weekend before in Bremen. For some weird reasons I decided to go to both places on this weekend. I won’t bother you with any details but up to now nothing acted out as planned/expected besides the fact that I actually were in both places. Back in the days this would have freaked me out. Now I’m feeling quite good because of the good stuff that happened instead. And I’m proud of myself that I no longer take it personally if folks neglect me due to matters which are out of my (and their) hands.
I thought I’d have good and long conversations with the guys from internet & tacos in hildesheim which didn’t happen because they were pulling night shifts to get an exhibition going. Instead of that I had quite some nice chats with other people and a idea for a very interesting project was born. I guess you’ll hear from it soonish, it’s got potential. For now let’s just say I found a perfectly good reason for finally joining facebook.
Saturday I was planning to spend the evening with a friend in bremen (not the same as the last time) at a concert but she got some kind of family emergency. That she tended a loved one was totally alright for me, I would have done exactly the same in her stead. But I was a little disappointed as well because we ended up talking only for five minutes or so. On the bright side I accidentally stumbled into T. and some friends from Göttingen and had a really nice evening with some deep conversations at the fireplace.
Sunday also didn’t turn out as expected, due to sickness and other troubles nobody could spare some time to hang out with me. Instead my Ubuntu Linux didn’t let me log in no more, some known bug related to some graphic driver issues. So I spent the evening fixing up my notebook and after that working on some concepts for the interesting project. Not really a bad evening but still not what I expected…
This weekend I’ll head south for Göttingen and Gießen. Since it’s only a short visit and there are enough friends to crash with I’ll leave the van behind and will go either by train or take the pornstyler.
Location: Bremen and Wremen (near Cuxhaven), both in Germany
“I’ve found from past experiences that the tighter your plan, the more likely you are to run into something unpredictable.” – MacGyver
Originally I wanted to meet somebody from Bremen whom I knew from the interwebs and was curious to meet her in person. The van needed a test drive as well after I changed the setup of the front axle and I thought it would be nice to go to Bremen and the coast as well. That was the plan. The meeting was called off and I was not really in the mood to go to the coast alone anyways. But that’s no reason to give up a nice plan, is it? Most certainly not. So I drove to Bremen anyways to visit a dear friend over there. We spent one night with a real good conversation and drove to the coast together the next morning. Thanks to spontaneous planning, the governmental rain radar service and some luck we managed to arrive in a two hour gap between heavy rainfalls. We also had a good go with my new camera (EOS 60D). I still hate the guts of the folks stealing the old one in Göteborg but I somehow appreciate the extrinsic motivation to buy a new one. It’s got the same sensor as the 1000D but the pictures are really different. I would love to try the new lens on the old camera for comparison…
After that we hung out in shared flats and visited a very nice place in Bremen, “culture in the bunker”: http://www.kultur-im-bunker.de/page/index.php, a former WWII bunker converted to a cultural centre with connected flat. I really love such concepts and places and it felt really good being there. We were there twice, first for the international cafe and the day after to help cleaning up and hang out. As always getting stuff done together works much better for getting to know other folks than just being in the same place. During the cafe/concert I only had a chat with the bar crew which was mostly about waffles and how to make them (since they were offering waffles but having a hart time making them at the moment). I haven’t been making waffles for ages but was able to help anyways.
During the cleanup a had the chance to make myself useful in different ways from driving around town over measuring the amount of propane gas in the bottles of the heaters to fixing electrical stuff and afterwards even teaching a little programming. After a couple of hours I have had a conversation with almost everybody around. Same place, same people. But a different set & setting all together.
And most important of all: I enjoyed myself big time. And I got a good reminder of what I miss at the moment. I miss living in a shared flat, I miss participating in cultural/political ventures and I miss talking to folks who feel, think and life likewise. Being part of a community, doing stuff that matters and feeling understood/valued/loved. Pretty basic stuff. Not too difficult to accomplish. I guess I just lost track of it after the project we wanted to do in Hannover didn’t work out and my relationship with K. went south. Maybe not too much, actually I lived in two shared flats in Oldenburg and did quite some volunteering work in the workshop and some in a gardening project of friends. Maybe it was just that I wanted the shared flat to be bigger with more people, more space and a large room/hall for cultural events and that the workshop doesn’t really qualify as “stuff that matters” also I value it dearly for giving me vast possibilities in manufacturing and teaching me plenty stuff.
All in all it comes down to that: I’ve been honing my skills for a long time and I’m no longer sufficient with that. Now it’s time to put them to use. As a part of a community and to do stuff that matters with folks who value and love me for what I am. Sounds almost like getting married, raising childs and living as a family. Thanks to a fucked up childhood I’ve never experienced that role model for myself. So I have to find out for myself whom/what I consider family and how I want it to work. Just doing as my parents did is out of question.
I’m back in Hannover since two weeks by now and there’s nothing to blog about. The construction work on my street moved from just in front of my house and that’s pretty much all news. I met up with some friends, tackled some stuff from the ToDo pile, finished the story line of GTA5 and that’s pretty much it. I guess Hannover didn’t change while I was gone. But I did. Where this will lead to we’ll see. I’ll keep you posted 🙂
thx to weknowmemes.com for this one
Actually it’s changing between both pictures from time to time. I’ve almost finished “a feast for crows” and by coincidence found out that there’s another volume seeing it standing on Eva’s desk. I bought the the bundle of the first four (e)books and thought that’s it. Seems like I really suck at being a fanboy 🙂
I had more scenic places to spend the night. The field seems more or less abandoned , loggers and street builders use it as temporary parking for trucks and machinery so I stopped here when I found nothing decent to stay.
I'm not in the condition to fuck! -- KaLeu Philipp Thomsen
Me neither. Not even in the condition to find a decent quote or write something jolly. But at least I had a nice piece of ASS for breakfast. What I am trying to say with this weird wordplay? Probably not what you thought of. I was neither drunk yesterday nor did anything sexually happen.
A champinions breakfast: Strong coffee and anti headache pills. Acetylsalicylic acid (short ASA, the magic behind Aspirin). Since the German word for Acid is “Säure” the abbreviation becomes ASS… The cup is copyright by nichtlustig.de
I just caught a cold and I’m feeling miserable. Sore throat, plenty of snot, the usual. The night was cold, I slept about four hours and my breath is condensing while I’m writing this. Ten degrees in the morning sun and still about 1000km to the northern cape. What I’m I doing here? I could be in Spain or Portugal right now. Or in Hannover. The forecast says 31 degrees for Thursday in Hannover…
On the lucky side I don’t have a fever and the van warms up nicely if I turn on the heating. I guess the 11kg gas bottle will last until I reach Norway and then I’ve to see weather I can get it refilled there (tricky because of a different connections systems) or if I have to retrofit the gas system of the van while I’m running on the 5kg spare bottle.
I guess this is one of the times where you/I just have to push through. It’s no use heading for Germany yet because I would hate me for that and the summer over there is at an end too. I want to see the beauty of Lapland and stand on the northern cape. I don’t now why or what but something drags me there. There’s only one way to find out. But before that I have to wait until noon for Lidl and the sonera shop to open up to stock up on food and broadband traffic. Yep, shops are open on sundays in Finland as well.
… and here I sit, on an almost perfect beach with a beautiful sunset sipping ice-cold german beer. Alone. Nobody wanted to join in on the trip because everybody is so occupied doing whatever. Some folks probably are, I won’t deny that. But I’ve got the feeling that for most people it’s just a barrier in their heads. This reminds me of one situation at work where I told some collegues that I’ll be traveling for a couple of months when my contract is over. Everybody was like “Oh, that sounds nice, I would really love to be able to do this as well but …”. I was totally amazed by one guy who told them that they are bonkers and that they could if they wanted to. He closed his motivational speech with “…but I don’t want to. Why should I travel the world if I can stay at home on my sofa and watch TV?”. Good question. I don’t know if his obesity issues were a reason but I guess that he is really just the kind of guy who likes to stay at home. I’m not.
And just for the record the sunset from the day before yesterday…
The sunset yesterday looked quite the same actually. Forgot my camera though…
Location: Nuuksio National park, north of Helsinki
Odo: approx. 284200
Helsinki was feeling wrong somehow. Not too bad of a city at all, some nice places, some nice folks, not as shiny as swedish cities, a place which just seems real. Almost familiar… Since I developed that certain “I think I’ll stay at home today and will not do anything but reading and drinking tea” mood I flew from the city to the Nuuksio National Park. Just a half hour drive of the city center lies the first inland place on this trip which seems to have some magic in it. It’s difficult to put in words but it feels good being here. My senses are pleased with beautiful nature and my head is spinning free.
Here it came to me. Helsinki has a little more that 600k inhabitants in the city and 1,3m in the metro area. Seems familiar indeed… It’s Hannover again! Or at least the size and the bits I saw. Another indicator for the wrongness I felt was stuff that S. told me. She’s quite interested in alternative living projects, especially eco villages. There are not too many in Finland and by coincidence she was just about to hop on a plane to germany to visit “Sieben Linden”, a quite large eco village just about 50km away from Hannover. So I came here to search for intentional communites and the locals go to my homeplace to find these. That was the second time somebody asked me why I’m coming here to search stuff which is just at my doorstep at home.
Today was also the first time where I started to have second thoughts in my travel plans. Almost a month into the trip I really miss partying with friends. Right now I would love to do just that. I know I would get sick of it soon and would wish to get going again fast. Probably I’m a little bit homesick. I really took it slowly so there’s no big WOW all the time which normally compensates for that. The trip is just nice. Lacks a little bit of partying actually but that’s more or less my own fault since I missed most opportunities on purpose.
So I’m feeling a little lonely and I’m about to drive into the wilderness where there are no people to meet online and few to meet in real life. Sounds wrong somehow. Since it seems that none of my friends will join in on the trip for some time I’ll probably spend some time just with myself. Maybe that’s just the right thing to do. I still have no clue what I want to change in my life. And judging by experience I won’t find that clue partying or hanging out at home.
It’s about 1500km to Hammerfest and another 2800km from there back to Hannover. For travelling in Germany this seems like a really long distance. I guess I just give it a shot. If it’s too boring I’ll to switch to “Australia Mode” where this would be a short trip to the outback. Maybe I’ll even find decent company on the way… I should get the soundsystem going and gather some audio books anyways…
(posted a couple of days after writing, feeling more content about travelling on now…)
I hate it. I would love to be on the road right now. Every time before I leave for some time I remember everything on my ToDo lists. Stuff is sitting there for ages but I feel somehow obliged to get it done. Of course I don’t do the stuff but I feel bad anyways… The van still isn’t finished. And it won’t be ever. But it’s almost good to go…
I’ve got an appointment in Stockholm by the end of the next week so I gotta get going soon. Now more new projects, finishing what has to be done over here and leave the rest for doing it when I’m travelling. Yesterday I somehow broke the back cover of my phone. Besides the weird feeling of shattered glass in your pocket the camera won’t work probably. Arghh. Whatever, seems I just have to suck it up for now. At least the anticipation of what is to come is growing stronger every day.