How I am feeling today?

“Suck it up, buttercup!” — Edgar Hansen

After breaking up with my girlfriend I spontaneously took on a project in another city. Limited to less than half a year, decent payment, freelance consultancy & software development.  So now I’m a little cogwheel in a project which itself is a little cogwheel in an even bigger project which is one of many projects in a very big company. I knew it wouldn’t be self-fulfilment. I wanted to raise the funds for “the plan” fast before the summer comes and didn’t see any better option. Other projects / customers and being sick for quite some time (nothing serious) did occupy all my spare time. After that my car troubles & preparations started to take over bugging me. In short: I’m not feeling that well at the moment, I’m unfit, exhausted and there are too many thoughts at once in my head.

When I tell friends about it they often get concerned in ways like “oh, poor thing” or “your live is good, my life is bad” or (the worst kind) “you want to much, be grateful for what you have, lower your expectations”. Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful for living in the “first” world, having a decent education, …”. But I measure my own “success” by my potential. If I have the feeling I use it then I feel successful. If I don’t I feel bad because I know what I’m capable of.

Sometimes (like now) I have to take a “loan” on my happiness and bring myself in a situation where I don’t feel well to follow a higher goal. Sometimes I am put into such a situation because some plan didn’t work out, I took a gamble and lost, … In these times it is very difficult for me to switch to a good mood. This has always been difficult for friends and partners. I try to understand the mechanism and to get over with it but that’s a work in progress. Maybe it won’t change at all. Maybe that’s a good thing because it’s driving me to do stuff I normally don’t. It’s difficult to describe, maybe a film scene might help: You take a deadly hit and you are on the ground. It doesn’t look good. But somehow you get your shit together, get going again, yank the throttle to max and speed out of the danger zone to search refuge and take time to heal your wounds.

“Not yet Kameraden, not yet!” — KaLeu in “Das Boot”.

If I wouldn’t take the situation as serious as I do my reaction would more be like another movie scene:

“It’s just a flesh wound” — The Black Knight in “Holy Grail”

The funny thing is that if you compare both scenes (they are on youtube), the black night seems to be much happier. He isn’t scared or in pain or anything. He feels good… But if the price of happiness is ignoring reality big time and being maimed by life I happily choose to be unhappy at times. I’m really looking forward to the moment when I will finally head out of town in my travel vehicle yanking the sound system to the max and screaming something similar to the KaLeu. Life didn’t get me. Not yet… Without feeling unhappy I probably wouldn’t have considered something like my plan but would enjoy my well payed eight to five job, my big TV, fancy ride, flat, … Disclaimer: I’m neither a nazi nor a submarine.

Back to the point / some advise for friends: I don’t need your pity, it makes me feel sick. “Good advise” also only helps in rare cases, if I want an advise I’m almost always perfectly able to ask for it. Try a different approach: Just be nice to me, show some affection and spend some quality time with me. Make me forget my sorrows and enjoy the moment. I love enjoying the moment. That’s probably the reason why I feel so bad when live isn’t that good at the moment.

Memo to self: stop taking loans on happiness or learn how to feel good when life isn’t by anticipation of what’s to come. Until then I probably have to just suck it up…

26 working days to go…

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